By Kishan
I would like you to meet Eddy, he is eleven years old. He likes to play baseball and football. Also, he likes to go to our school in California. He plays for the Hawks. In baseball he plays catcher. In football he plays defensive and nose tackle. His number is four on the football team. He doesn't live in town.
The story needs more detail. Its good that you put where he plays in the sports.
ReplyDelete-Samantha
It was to short for critism ( wait a min that was one)
ReplyDeleteJonathan
I thougt you could have used more paragraphs, and detail. And I liked the introdustion. it was alright in my opnion!
ReplyDelete~Aly
What town doesnt he live in? Mabey you should consentrate on more wirting.
ReplyDelete~karlie~
It needs to have more about him. Good details about the sports though.
ReplyDelete-emma
Dear Kishan,
ReplyDeleteIt's really short and you wrote very short sentences that you could've combined and used commas for. Also you don't have an ending sentence, you could've done way, way better. But you sort of did good describing what he did in his sports stuff. Sort of.
~ Nora